Broadway Barbie: My Inner Sickness

So now my Mom knows everything.
Everything.
And she wont stop asking questions.
I think she's freaking out worse than I am.
And here's the really sick part; now that she hates him, I'm defending him like it's nobody's business. Wtf?

Here's how it happened: I don't really remember how the conversation started but my Mom asks me:
"Why do you suck? Do you need to go into your bishop again?"
"Yes"
"I don't think you need to, you just need to repent and stop."
"... No I think I need to go in."
"Why?"
"I don't wanna talk about it."
"Okay. Well I don't think you need to. Unless you're having sex; are you having sex?"
"Yes. Well I was raped first, but I did have sex after."
It just came out. And then she made me spill. And I told her everything except who it was. But she kept asking so many questions and not understanding the situation. Saying that now I just need to never see him again and I'll be fine. She just didn't get it. So I told her who.

And exactly what I was avoiding happened; she feels totally responsible because she introduced us. And she keeps talking about how evil he is; why don't I agree? I mean, he raped me. And now that my Mom made me talk I'm feeling all of these ridiculous feelings I've been repressing up until now. Yesterday was absolutely ridiculous. I cried, screamed, sketched, danced, cried, yelled, drove furiously.... I don't even know. Her asking me questions keeps making me relive it. And in a way that victimizes me to a point where I've never admitted that I was a victim. And as much as I hurt and hate him for making me feel this way, I wont let her talk about him like that. I love him. And yeah, he's completely screwed up.
But he's my screwed up.
And I empathize with him. He was victimized, too. And I know how hard that is, especially when you're so young. So part of me doesn't even blame him...
Retarded, I know. He's a grown man and shouldn't be such an ass.
But he's so... I dunno weird in a beautiful way?
It's difficult because I know every wonderful thing about him... I also know the most horrible parts of him.

What it comes down to is this: I am going to be temple worthy. If he's not, he can get the hell out of my life.
But how do I tell him that?
"Gee, sweety I love you. But uh, if you don't go into your bishop and clean your shit up we're not happening. Kisses!"

Actually that's not a bad idea. Is it inappropriate to text that? ;)