I'm incredibly vulnerable today. All of the weakness that I've thus far been able to keep out of mind except when I go to sleep at night is beginning to creep in and affect all of my compartmentalizations. You, and maybe one other person, know what kind plagues my mind. It wont go away.
Does that still happen to you? Or have you been reading your scriptures and have you been able to fix it?
Usually throughout the day I'm busy with other things; I hardly have time to contemplate anything but derivatives and analytical techniques. But not anymore. Suddenly these thoughts are invading the pragmatic person I so enjoy being. I feel exposed and I don't think it's right. The way I'm feeling made me think of a piece of that essay I told you about: Beauty Rediscovers the Male Body by Susan Bordo.
I had to laugh out loud at a 1997 New York Times Magazine "Style" column entitled "Overexposure," which complained of the "contagion" of nudity spreading through celebrity culture. "Stars no longer have private parts," the author observed, and fretted that civilians would soon also be measured by the beauty of their buns. I share the author's concern about our body-obsessed culture. But, pardon me, he's just noticing this now??? Actresses have been baring their breasts, their butts, even their bushes, for some time, and ordinary women have been tromping off to the gym in pursuit of comparably perfect bodies. What's got the author suddenly crying "overkill," it turns out, is Sly Stallone's "surreally fat-free" appearance on the cover of Vanity Fair, and Rupert Everett's "dimpled behind" in a Karl Lagerfeld fashion spread. Now that men are taking off their clothes, the culture is suddenly going too far. Could it be that the author doesn't even "read" all those naked female bodies as "overexposed"?
I feel like this; I'm just an object for the pleasure of everyone else. What I want is irrelevant, because I'm just a stupid girl. And I don't think that's right. I work my ass off because I want to learn and I want to accomplish. It kills me that I'm still not equal.
I should be equal.
I'm really pissed that he didn't consider me equal; it infuriates me when people assume because I'm a girl I don't really know what I want. Taking the responsibility for what I want is nobody's business but my own.
You know what thought crossed my mind? I'm just another statistic now; a girl who was raped and didn't report it. Why the hell didn't I report it? Because delusionally, I thought he was a fantastic person deeeeeeeeep down inside. He raped me damn it! How could I have thought he was good in any way shape or form?!
The inspiration for the title of this blog: he, the creeper in question, is now dating his cousin! HowthehelldidIlethishappentome?! I've been dumped for religion, I've been dumped for looks, I've been dumped for drama, I've been dumped because Troy wasn't mature enough to handle me, and good Lord I've been dumped for the Ukraine before but this? How is this even remotely possible?!
Maybe I should give a little back story: his cousin's not really his cousin because his aunt was adopted. She's still his f***ing cousin! I'm enraged, enthralled, spittingly mad, horrified, disgusted, weepy, caustic, volatile, heart broken, jaded, flabbergasted, and most of all grossed out! The guy who has my virginity would rather screw his cousin than date me. Go figure. I must be some shade of worthless.
I'm still planning that road trip to see your show. I might have Kirk drive. I want the next blog I post to have pictures of some of my new fashion experiments so I can see what you think. I love you very very very much and when I get my Bachelors in Chemistry you and I are gonna take a vacation for celebration.
Muuuuuch love,
Geek Girl
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